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Chapter Five
A DIARY OF A NOVICE
Lord,
here I am in Lipa for novitiate which started two months ago. It is a beautiful place -- cool, quiet and
restful. This is indeed conducive for prayer and reflection. This is a time for me to know more about the Redemptorist life and about myself. Perhaps, here I will be able to
discern if you are really calling me to the religious life.
There
are eleven of us here, six senior novices and five juniors. Nine of us are from the Visayas and
We
live a monastic existence. We wake up at five in the morning and do our meditation at
The
rest of the morning we spend in conference or class with the novice master. We
cover so many topics: Religious life, the vows, Redemptorist history and
spirituality, the lives of the Redemptorist saints, the Redemptorist
Constitution and statutes.
Fifteen
minutes before lunch time we have the
Once a
week, each novice meets the novice master for colloquium. This is a time when
we can share with him what is happening in our life -- our inner journey. We also make weekly visits
to the SOS children's village as part of our apostolate. There will be periods
when we will go out go to the areas
where Redemptorists are conducting missions. This is called “mission exposure.” Every
day here seems to be the same. But I like the rhythm of prayer, reflection,
conferences, work, recreation, reading, etc. This is helping me develop the
contemplative dimension of my life. I
hope all these will make me more aware of your presence in my life and deepen
our relationship. The novitiate period is like going
through a period of initiation. It is part of a rite of passage – a time of
transition. Those of us who are entering a new state of life – the religious
life -- withdraw ourselves from the ordinary life in order to clarify our identity,
vocation, mission and vision. At the end of this period, we come out and make a
life-commitment.
I pray
and hope that I will be able to decide to commit myself fully to you, Lord.
Lord,
I've been in this novitiate for almost
five months. I believe that there are changes taking place within me. The
most significant is that I have grown
more conscious of your presence and activity in my life. Well, I haven't experienced
any ecstasy in my meditation but still I feel your closeness. I believe this is
the fruit of my constant prayer, meditation and reflection I've realized that what I lacked before was
the habit of prayer and meditation. Before, I spent most of my time in my
studies, extra-curricular activities, joining mass actions and demonstrations,
working with the poor . There was no time for prayer and meditation, and I
really didn't know how to go about it. No wonder that it was your distance and absence that I felt.
The past few months have witnessed a personal
struggle to come to grips with the root vices that are hindering me from
genuinely loving you and others. I am getting to know and understand more
deeply who I am -- my dark side, my gifts and potentials.
Last
night, I dreamt of Cynthia. I don’t remember
the whole dream. It was just an image of
her in a wedding dress. She looked so
lovely. Where was the groom?
I felt
disappointed when I woke up in the middle of the night. I went back to sleep
hoping to see her in my dream again.
She's
part of the past now and I should try to forget her. But how can I forget
someone who has touched my life so deeply?
Thanks,
Lord, for letting our paths cross. It made me aware that I am human and that I
can fall in love. Perhaps this was your way of giving me a glimpse of your Divine Love.
Our
novice master told us that in the olden days the novices were taught to
practice custody of the eyes. This meant that one should not look directly or
stare at other people -- especially women.
That's difficult for me especially when I see a lot of pretty girls
who come to church. I don't know whether to thank you or to be sorry
that you have given me a very appreciative pair of eyes. They always pop out at
the sight of your beautiful creatures. This can be a source of distraction
during mass. I hope this aesthetic sense
won't make the practice of chastity difficult for me.
I
experienced a strange feeling during meditation. After gazing for a long time
at the large crucifix, seeing you hanging on the cross, I suddenly felt an
overwhelming sensation. Tears flowed from my eyes and the hair on my nape stood
up. The words of the gospel continued to echo in my mind: "No, greater
love a man has than to die for his friends."
Yes, your self-sacrifice in the cross is the
greatest sign of your love for us -- your love for me.
I am not sure whether this religious
experience is authentic. But this meditation is different from my usual ones --
free from distractions and no trace of the usual mental-intellectual musing.
If
this is some consolation you are giving me after the desolation and dryness in
my prayer life, then I thank you, Lord. However, I will have to remember always
St. Theresa's warning: "They deceive themselves who imagine that union with
God consists in ecstasies, visions, the joys of sensible devotion. It consists
in nothing else but the subjection of our will to the will of God."
Monthly
retreat. Theme: Evangelical poverty.
How does one practice evangelical poverty
in the midst of ease and comfort? This is a contradiction that has to be
resolved here in the novitiate. We are so well provided for we never experience
want. There is security and comfort here, which I could hardly have if I were
living outside.
If it
is a matter of possessing a spirit of detachment and indifference to material
possession and comfort, then there's no problem. But that would be incomplete
without the exterior expression of evangelical poverty -- living a simple life
and working hard among the poor in spreading the Gospel.
Since
I can’t do much to change this structure,
I'll have to be contented with the present practice of asking permission
for the use of things, working hard (especially staff work assignment,
gardening, etc), never complaining should I encounter any discomfort, never
desiring for more ease and comfort, controlling my appetite and minimizing my
cigarette consumption.
I am
aware that I will still be encountering the same contradiction in the future as
long as the present Redemptorist lifestyle remains the same. I'm glad that
there have been re-examination made regarding our lifestyle. In the recent issues of the Explorer, some of the Redemptorists are
questioning our lifestyle and advocating a more simple way of living that is more
Filipino and closer to the poor.
Lord,
I guess we still have a long way towards following closely the way your live
two thousand years ago.
Sam
Javelosa, Joe Perez, Doy and Magno made a surprise visit here before lunch.
They are my friends and comrades from way back. I was very happy to see them.
We had a good time discussing the latest news and reminiscing about the good
old days.
After
lunch, I had a long chat with Magno. It seems
that he is still in the dark with regard to his faith and direction in
life. He is experiencing a sense of meaninglessness and emptiness. He is still
searching for meaningful ideals and values to commit to and live by. I wonder
how I can help my old friend -- he seems to be lost.
He once told me that God and religion do not
make sense to him. But I still pray to you Lord that he may open his heart to
you so that you can transform the deepest level of his being, that he may
personally encounter you and commit his life to you. It is only you who can
fill the emptiness within him. It is only you who can give meaning and
direction to his life.
Could
it be that the crisis he is experiencing is your way of purifying his faith?
Could it be your way of telling him that his life is empty and meaningless
without you?
Apostolate
in the SOS children's village this afternoon. I had a wonderful time playing
with the kids. I was reminded of my own potential fatherhood. I kept thinking
how nice it would be to have a wife and children of my own. But I think I will
have to deprive myself of this happiness. Your call for me, O Lord, to serve
you and your people as religious takes priority.
I
dreamt of Cynthia again last night. I don't know why her image keeps hounding
me in my sleep.
After
reading a passage from the Gospel of John where you asked Simon Peter whether
he loved you, I myself felt that you were asking me the same question. "Do
you love me, Picx?"
This
is not an easy question to answer. You know very well that I don't feel the
same joy in your presence as I did when in the presence of Cynthia. If my love
for you is measured by how much I feel towards you, then I can't honestly say
that I love you that much. However, if it is to be measured by how far am I
willing to commit myself to you, then I believe that I love you that much
because I am willing to commit myself totally and unconditionally to you. I am
even willing to sacrifice everything for you, including my happiness and my own
life. I am not willing to do these things for Cynthia.
I feel
there is still a need for me to deepen my personal love for you. I know that it
is only this love that can keep me faithful to my vocation and commitment to
you and your people especially when the going gets rough along the way. It is
only this love that can inspire me to greater generosity.
Auntie
Paz visited me this morning. She brought bad news from home: Papa was paralyzed
by a stroke two weeks ago.
I have
gotten over the initial shock but I am still filled with grief and
anxiety. Papa's sickness has badly
affected my family. Besides worrying over Papa's condition, they face the
problem of how to make both ends meet.
Sammy and Dodong will have to stop studying and look for work so that
they can help Mama support the family. I wish I could be there with them during
this difficult moment. I just feel so helpless - there's nothing I can do to
help them.
I
still can't understand how you could allow this sad thing to happen to Papa,
Lord. A few months ago everything seemed to be going great for him. He was very
happy with his new work as an
engineering consultant for the power plant project. This provided the financial
security he had been longing for.
All I
can do is to make an act of faith that somehow a greater good can come out of
this.
Mama
came to fetch me this morning so that I can visit Papa at the Philippine
Veteran's
I was
just overwhelmed when I saw the tears in Papa's eyes. He appeared so weak and
helpless. The right side of his body has been paralyzed. He was filled with
self-pity.
It's
good thing that my uncle thought of transferring him to
Lord,
I pray that you continue to grant to Papa your healing grace.
Lord,
in today's Gospel you command us to love our enemies and pray for those who
persecute us. This commandment is too difficult for me to accept and practice
in my life. There would be no problem if it is only a matter of loving and
forgiving a personal enemy. But loving and praying for the unrepentant
oppressors and exploiters of our people is a difficult thing to do. Do you
think it is easy for me to love and forgive those military intelligence agents
who tortured me during my detention? I
wonder if this commandment will make
sense to the people who have been suffering from injustice and oppression. Will this not make Christianity the opium of
the people?
Forgive
me Lord, but my experience of working with the poor and the oppressed has made
me critical about any teaching that will perpetuate their deplorable condition.
Is it
possible to love and forgive the oppressors while at the same time continue
struggling against them?
Lord,
grant me the wisdom to understand fully your commandment of love and the faith
to truly practice it. Forgive me for my lack of faith in the power of love to
effect a truly revolutionary transformation of society, a love that can bring
about true justice and peace.
I'm
getting more excited. Tomorrow we will be leaving for the Kibawe (Bukidnon)
mission. I've been looking forward to this. You know how I enjoy mission work a
lot. My last mission exposure was four years ago in Balingoan with Fr. Rudy
Romano. This mission will be different from the previous ones since it is part
of our novitiate formation. The emphasis here is learning to integrate our
prayer life with the mission work.
I am
here now in Kibawe, Bukidnon – the mission area.
We
arrived in time for supper but late for the general orientation. I'm thrilled
to be part of this mission band composed of 10 Redemptorist priests, a brother,
one major seminarian and four novices. Fr. Godofredo Alingal, SJ, the parish
priest had invited the Redemptorists to give a mission in his parish. The COs
(community organizers) have been organizing this place for the last two years.
Our role is to integrate the Christian message with the people's struggle. This
will be the first time that the mission work will be linked with the CO
process.
I met
Fr. Daugdaug, Bro. James, Popoy, Pablo,
Here I
am in a very remote sitio with Fr. Brian McDonagh. What a beautiful place --
cool climate, rolling hills, valleys and streams. The chapel is on top of a
hill with a bamboo convent beside it. We were warmly welcomed by the people
when we arrived this afternoon.
I'm so
happy to be here among these poor farmers, sharing with them the message of
liberation and hope. I really feel at home doing this kind of work among such
simple people. This is a foretaste of the kind of life I'm going to live when I
become a Redemptorist missioner.
I've
been acting as facilitator in the group discussions. The people's participation
in the discussion groups is a bit weak and they are encountering difficulties
in grasping the mission message. They have a very deep faith in you, Lord.
We're trying to help them see the connection between their faith and their
struggle to transform society. It's not that easy. The process of realization
will take time. I don't think we can accomplish much in five days. At least we
have sown the seed and the mission follow-up will care of it.
I need
to cultivate greater patience and hope. My constant personal prayerful
encounters with you have been very helpful. My daily early morning meditations
have been a source of energy, wisdom and confidence. I'm more convinced of the
necessity of prayer in the apostolate.
Tomorrow
our mission here in Kisolop will end. I'll be going directly to my next
assignment in Micodal after the closing mass.
Fr.
Paddy Martin and myself had our "baptism" yesterday when heavy rain
poured down. It was a blessing in disguise -- imagine, my first bath after four
days!
We are
having more difficulty here since
Micodal is not a CO-covered area. It has not been organized. However, the
attendance and participation is good.
Fr.
Paddy gave me the major part of the work -- he takes care of the liturgy while
I handle the mission seminar. At first I felt nervous because I had never
conducted a mission seminar before. But I was inspired by the interest and
enthusiasm of the people. I just followed what we did in the previous area. I
divided the participants into small groups and let them share their experience
of God’s liberating presence in their life. Then I gave talks about the God of
Exodus, the God who sided with the poor and the oppressed. I also talked about
Christ’s mission of proclaiming the good news of liberation to the poor.
I'm
already experiencing the strain of mission work. Imagine, whole-day seminar sessions
in the chapel and not much time for house visitation.
We
ended our mission in Micodal this morning. Many people shed a lot of tears as we left the place. I hope the tears were
not meant for the chickens that we consumed during the mission. We must have
eaten a whole poultry! Anyway, I think this is where the spirit of detachment
comes in -- being able to say goodbye to the people and the place we have grown
to love without our hearts breaking.
I'm
here now in sitio Katipunan with Fr. Dominic McKenna. This is a very remote
community of about 30 families. The people are very poor. Although the produce
of the land is bountiful, they are often exploited by the businessmen who buy
their products cheap and charge exorbitant prices for their goods. The majority
of the people are illiterate; some have barely reached Grade 4. This place has
never been visited by a priest before. Only a few occasionally go to mass in
the town which is so far. So you can see how poor and abandoned these people
are. And to think that there are thousands of sitios and barrios all over the
Lord,
I can hear more clearly your call for me to dedicate my life to you and to the
poor like them.
Feeling
exhausted. We have a very heavy schedule: mission seminar in the morning and
home visitation in the afternoon. Fr. McKenna gave me the task of conducting
the mission seminar. Our home visitation is more like hiking and mountain
climbing, since the houses are far apart.
Everything
seems to be going smoothly. The people's enthusiastic response is encouraging.
They have been actively participating in
the reflection on their concrete situation and the liberating message of the
Gospel.
The
mission in this sitio will be over tomorrow. I will be leaving with some
anxiety about the uncertain future of these people. I will just have to hope
that what we have sown will someday bear fruit in their lives.
We
spent the whole day with the mission team evaluating the Kibawe mission.
Towards the end there was a heated discussion when the question was posed about
adopting the CO method for our future missions. It was finally agreed to keep
it experimental for the moment. The final decision will be made during the
coming mission colloquium.
It
seems that some of the older Redemptorists are insecure with this very
demanding approach to the mission apostolate. They are used to the traditional
"hit and run" method where the missioners just evangelize the barrio
for a week and then move on to the next barrio. But this approach is not very
effective. What is needed is not just preaching the Good News. We have to spend
longer time in the barrios organizing the Basic Christian Communities using the
CO method.
The
RGS sisters (Sr. Priscilla, Celine, Cata and Jo) invited the novices for supper in their convent. We had an
enjoyable evening. I find them very attractive. They're so full of life. They
are working with the Community Organizers and the Parish volunteer workers as a
reflection team. They spend most of their time in the mountains among the poor
farmers helping them reflect on their struggles in the light of faith. Instead
of wearing the usual religious habit, they
wear denim jeans.
Back
to the "contemplative" life in Lipa. I guess I'll have to readjust
myself to the novitiate atmosphere after the mission exposure. I think I have developed an attachment to the apostolic
life.
This
morning, I visited Papa at the Veterans’ Hospital before coming back here. He
can already walk a little but his right arm and shoulder are still paralyzed. I
don't think he can go home by August 15 as he plans.
Lord,
I'm very worried about this. You know how hard this is for him and the family.
Please hasten his recovery.
Magno
came for a visit. I was so happy to see him. We
talked about the recent developments in the democratic socialist
movement. Although it is not as strong
as the Communist Party of the
He
also told me about his recent conversion experience. He has regained his faith!
He is even considering the possibility that you might be calling him to the
religious life.
Lord,
thank you for transforming Magno's life. May You continue to guide him as he
discerns his vocation.
For
the last two weeks, I've been constantly thinking about the democratic
socialist movement. This has been the source of my distraction during meditation. I'm torn between my desire to
respond to God's call to the religious life and the need to actively participate
in the struggle against the dictatorship. Anyway, I will keep my options open
just in case it turns out that I don't have a religious vocation.
The
mission in Lipa started yesterday. The Australian Redemptorists led by Fr. McGuire
are conducting it. We have been asked to help out as part of our mission
exposure. For the next four weeks we will be living a monastic life in the
morning (meditation, lectures, devotions) and apostolic life in the afternoon
and evening (mission seminars). This is a different type of mission, since it
is conducted just near the monastery and we don't have to live with the people.
We come home late at night.
Today
is the fourth anniversary of martial law and the third anniversary of my arrest
and imprisonment. I have personally
experienced the oppressive character of this dictatorial regime.
Lord,
I'm trying to erase the bitterness and hate in my heart. I can forgive now
those who have tortured me. Yet it doesn't mean that I will stop struggling for
freedom and justice. You have taught me that forgiveness doesn't mean
tolerating evil. Both oppressed and oppressor need to be liberated from sin and
its effect in society.
What
bothers me at present is that many of our people have acquiesced to martial
law. There is very little resistance.
Lord,
move the minds and hearts of our people and give them courage to struggle for liberation.
There
are so many beautiful young women that I encounter in the mission. I can't help
but admire them from a distance. Why am
I so easily attracted to beauty? I think I can easily become a Don Juan like my
grandfather if I don't become a priest.
Living a celibate life will be very difficult for a person like me.
For
the last few days we have been reflecting on the vow of chastity. What strikes
me is the idea that it involves the renunciation of the sexual pleasure of
marriage, the joy of intimate love between man and woman, and the joy and
fulfillment of parenthood. These are indeed great human values which I will
have to renounce for the sake of the Kingdom.
It would have been easy if I don't like women, or if I hate children. O,
Lord, this is what I have to give up for your sake. You'd better give me the
grace necessary to live out this kind of life. You know how weak and vulnerable
I am to beauty.
Lord,
for the past two nights I've been having the same dream. What's so strange is
the absence of images -- just a sort of feeling that overwhelms me in my sleep,
an intense feeling of being loved -- by you. It was just ecstatic. Words are
really inadequate to express the feeling I experience in these dreams.
I hope
this is one of those instances when dreams express the inner reality rather
than just wish fulfillment.
I
celebrated my 22nd birthday the other day. I am already in the
threshold of adulthood. I will have to savor the remaining years of my youth.
It’s wonderful to be alive … and to be loved by you. There’s no greater gift
you can give me.
One of
the dangers that I must avoid in living the celibate life is becoming cold and
aloof in my relationship with those I work with in the mission. It seems that this is how I have been acting
these past weeks. I don't even remember the names of those I have encountered.
Lord,
help me to be more warm and loving in my service to others. It is easy to
relate to people as if they were an abstract category, a faceless and nameless
crowd. No risks and self-investment involved. But to relate to them as
individual persons is not easy. I know that my present way of loving others
with a universal love would end up with loving nobody at all.
This
evening after coming from the barangay meeting, I saw an old man in tattered
clothes sleeping outside the monastery door. He was probably shivering, lying
on the cold cement floor without any blanket. I just passed him by as if he
wasn't there.
Lord,
how hard it is to recognize you in that old man. Intellectually I believe that
you are present in every person especially the least. But every time I meet
them I don't even recognize your face. Forgive me, Lord. Help me to always
recognize you in others especially the poor and the most abandoned.
I woke
up with a very extraordinary feeling this morning. I felt very fresh and alive.
Everything just felt beautiful -- the morning air, the rising sun, the birds
singing and the church bell ringing. These things have always greeted me every
morning but it is only this particular morning that I was very much aware of
them. How I have taken these for granted.
We
held the general mission rally this evening as a culminating event of the
mission in Lipa. The people had a procession from their respective mission
areas to the cathedral. Thousands of people came. I was really moved by this
show of faith. Their presence was enough to deepen my faith in You.
Last
night I dreamt of you, Lord. What a vivid and colorful dream! I saw you in all
your splendor and glory smiling at me and welcoming me to your heavenly
kingdom. I noticed the happiness in the faces of the people around you. As I
went around, I met Nilda, my elder sister who died 12 years ago. She also
looked joyful. I just can't describe the happiness I felt while I was dreaming.
Can this be the feeling that we experience when we attain complete union with
you and others in heaven? I thought it was for real but I woke up and realized
it was only a dream. I hope it will come true.
I
received a letter from Mama this afternoon. It seems that things are still not
going well financially back home. Papa has not been able to go back to work
because of his stroke. Mama is trying very hard to make both ends meet. I am
amazed by Mama's deep faith in your divine providence. She assured me that
you'll never forsake us. She's asking me to pray that you'll give her "the
courage and patience to face these trials and crosses."
I would also like to pray for Papa, Lord. He's
having sleepless nights thinking about all these problems.
Six months
ago, I asked you why you allowed the stroke to happen to Papa. Now I believe it
was a blessing in disguise. Mama told me that last week Papa's co-workers were
ambushed by Muslim rebels while on their way to the project site. Seven were
killed, three of them engineers. Had Papa been there, he would have been one of
those killed. Whether it's pure coincidence or not, I'd like to thank you for
keeping Papa safe.
While
waiting for the "mission follow-up" meeting to begin, I had a conversation
with Sr. Lita. She told me that she's been praying for me. Of course, I was
happy to hear that. She's a young and attractive sister who was professed last
May. I hope we can become close friends.
We
heard the news that Sam Javelosa, one of our major seminarians in
Magno
came for a visit this morning. We had a three-hour conversation after lunch. He
told me that he's seriously thinking of joining the Redemptorist CO Postulancy
Program in
It
seems that my friend's conversion has deepened my faith.
The
novitiate basketball team played against the Lipa clergy team this afternoon.
Although I was able to shoot 40 points, our team lost (80-95). I didn't mind
losing since I played very well and
I scored a personal best. What
vanity! Anyway, we were up against taller and better players.
Salvi
made some Christmas cards for me. I seem to have become "artistically
impotent" -- I used to make beautiful cards when I was in prison but now I
am unable to produce anything creative.
I
wrote a Christmas letter to Fr. Willy J thanking him for all he had done for me
during my college years (for his guidance, his support when I was in prison,
etc). This is the first time I've thanked him and perhaps the first time I've
really appreciated the help he had given me in the past.
Lord,
how many times have you shown your love and care for me through other people
and yet I have often been unaware and ungrateful.
Frs.
Lucey and Clancy left for
This
afternoon I saw Caloy drinking beer for
merienda (that's prohibited -- we can only drink beer during Feast days). So I
reprimanded him harshly in public. I don't think he and the other novices
appreciated such authoritarian conduct -- it showed in their faces. I should
have done it privately and in a calm way
-- you know how sensitive we Filipinos are to public criticism. So this evening
I went to his room to apologize and admitted that I made a mistake in reprimanding
him in public instead of doing it privately.
Sorry,
"being in charge" just got into my head. I acted like an authoritarian
novice-master.
Many
of my fellow novices have been receiving Christmas cards, letters and gifts
these past few days. My empty mailbox reminds me that nobody remembers me --
that's what I thought until this morning. Sr. Lita's Christmas card was indeed
a source of joy.
This
is going to be the fourth Christmas away from home. I really miss my family a
lot. I know that this is one of the
sacrifices I have to make in order to respond to your call. I hope they will
discover the peace and joy of Christmas in spite of the hardships and financial
difficulties they are encountering. After all, the joyfulness of Christmas does
not depend on the lack of food, drinks, decorations, gifts, firecrackers, etc.
Christmas joy comes from the awareness and appreciation of the greatest gift
your Father has given to mankind -- you.
We
attended the prayer meeting for priests and religious at the
Today
is our 14th month in the novitiate. We have about four months to go before
profession. I am feeling a sense of expectation for the most awaited moment --
my profession day.
I have
made up my mind to respond to your call to unconditionally commit myself to
you as a Redemptorist. It is up to the Congregation now to verify or reject the
authenticity of this call and response. Please grant me the grace to do your
will, O Lord.
This
morning, I came across this passage which made a deep impression in my heart:
"What is important is not what I want to do with my life, but rather what
God wants to do with my life."
I am
making this my personal motto as I
journey through life. Grant me, O Lord, the grace to be always sensitive and
obedient to your will.
I have been reading Thomas Merton's The Seven Storey Mountain and The
Man on the Sycamore Tree. These are
not the kind of books that I would have liked to read a few months before. Lately, I have become interested in the
Trappist way of life. What I find strange is that it has a great appeal for me.
I wouldn't consider this as an indication of your call for me to live a
contemplative life. You have not given me the
temperament necessary to live this kind of life. Yet I wonder if are you trying to make me
aware of the need to develop the contemplative dimension of my life.
Grant
me the wisdom, O Lord, to discern the movement of Your Spirit in my life.
Yesterday
was the Feast of San Sebastian, the patron saint of Lipa. It was a day of
feasting and drinking. We visited 17
houses in one day and we staggered home at
During
this morning's conference we discussed the second chapter of the Redemptorist
Constitution -- the Apostolic community. I used this as material for my
meditation during this evening's meditation.
One of
the things that have drawn me towards the Congregation is its strong community
spirit. Living in community and carrying out the apostolic work as a community
really means a lot to me. I wouldn't want to live as a "lone ranger".
It is
quite surprising but I am beginning to treasure the moments of silence and
solitude. In fact, I'm beginning to crave for more. I need these moments of
solitude to encounter myself and you, and to become more aware of your presence
in my life.
I'm
halfway through the life of St. Gerard Majella. He's not my type of saint at
all. He was too superhuman -- at least
that is the impression I got from the account of his life. One would think he
was more of an angel than a man. I can only admire him. It would be impossible
to imitate him unless you give me the same extraordinary graces you showered
on him. Reading his life has deepened my understanding of grace. The
insight I got is that
"sainthood" is a gift. It does not depend solely on one's effort but
rather on your grace and one's
cooperation with it. No matter how I aspire to be a saint, it would be
futile unless you give me the grace to be one. Of course, I want to be a saint
but the question is do you want me to be one? I'll have to aspire for whatever
level of sanctity you call me to.
While
meditating on the third chapter of the Redemptorist Constitution (Apostolic
community dedicated to Christ) I felt you asking me whether I am willing to
dedicate myself to you for life as a Redemptorist. My answer is Yes. I am aware
of the demands and sacrifices involved but I still answer "Yes, here I am
Lord, send me." I know that it will
not be an easy life but with your grace I hope to live a poor, chaste and
obedient life dedicated to you and your Gospel.
It
seems strange -- I've never been interested in the contemplative life and I
yet find myself being attracted to the Trappist way of life. Probably Thomas
Merton must have made a deep impression on me after reading his books. Lord, I
hope you are not calling me to this kind of life -- that's too much, becoming a
Redemptorist is enough.
Last
night I dreamt of Cynthia again. Oh God, she was so beautiful. Why do I always
dream about her? Why does her image keep hounding me?
I have
to ask myself again: Am I willing to forego the joys and fulfillment of a
beautiful, exclusive and intimate loving relationship with a woman? With
trembling heart and with the awareness of my personal frailty and imperfection
I want to say: Yes Lord, if it means loving you more generously and totally.
Yes Lord, if it means being more free and available for the service of your
Kingdom. Yes, Lord. This is my response of love to you who has loved me with an
everlasting love. I am aware that this kind of love can only come from you as a
gift. So please, continue to pour on me this particular grace. Help me also to
be always faithful to You especially when the time of trial comes. I know there
will come a time that I might doubt or regret this commitment which I am about
to make. But with your guidance and support I have nothing to fear.
Fr.
Talty heard my confession this evening. I stayed on for another 15 minutes to
listen to his words of wisdom. What struck me profoundly was his emphatic
advice to approach you more personally.
His
holiness edifies me. I see your tenderness and apostolic love reflected in this
saintly old man. He is really someone to be admired and imitated. He is a
Redemptorist who has faithfully lived out
his commitment for almost half a century and here I am just about to
begin religious life.
During
our colloquium Fr. Clancy asked me a question which I found difficult to
answer: "What are you seeking in the Congregation?" How could I
answer such question when I'm here not
because I am seeking something but
rather because I have found something? I'm like the man who found the "pearl
of great price" and who has given up everything in order to gain it.
The
Redemptorist life (especially its ideals, charism, apostolic thrust and
community living) has attracted me profoundly. Through all these years in
formation, I have grown to love the Congregation and what it stands for. What
make this kind of life so precious to my heart is that it gives a sense of
meaning and direction to my life. It inspires me to greater generosity and
heroic devotion to you and your people. It is here that I can develop and use
my potentials and talents to the full. I feel a deep resonance between my gifts
and the charism of the Congregation. In short, this is the kind of life that
I'm most at home with.
But
this is not my only motivation for aspiring for this life. I have become fully
convinced that the main reason why I'm here is because I want to respond to
your call. I am here to do your will. If this vocation was not clear to me
then, I wouldn't be here no matter how attractive and beautiful this life is to
me.
I am
joining the Redemptorist Congregation out of love for you who has loved me with
an immeasurable love, and out of obedience to your will. My heart will never
find rest nor peace nor joy unless I respond to your call to live out my
baptismal commitment as a Redemptorist.
Last
night's dream inspired me to compose this poem. It's not really that polished
but it comes straight from the heart.
A Haunting Encounter
You
haunt me in my dreams
in the restless hours of the night.
I thought
I had buried you
into the deepest recesses of my memory.
but your image keeps
hounding me, reminding me
of a road I could have taken,
a road we could have walked together.
Won't you ever
leave my sleep in peace?
How I wish
I could walk the road with you
like I told you an eternity ago.
But I
have taken another path
a path seldom taken,
so narrow and rocky
and which leads inevitably
to
and to the kingdom.
I have said Yes
to that Something and Someone
that beckons me
to take this path
and there is no turning back.
You
still haunt me and remind me
of the
road we could have taken together.
You
make me falter in my steps.
Alas,
that's what you'll always be‑‑
a beautiful memory
the woman in my dreams
someone I encountered
at
a junction of my life.
We
went to the Carmelite monastery this afternoon to "serenade" the
nuns. Afterwards we had the opportunity to hear their angelic voices.
There
was one thing I noticed with these contemplatives: the peace, serenity and joy
that their presence radiates. This is especially seen in their faces, in their
eyes and the way they move. Gazing at them gave me a feeling of awe and
reverence -- as if I was in the presence of something or someone beyond the
ordinary.
As I
gazed at this lovely Carmelite, Sr. Mary Teresa, a question crossed my mind,
"What's a beautiful woman like her doing in a place like this?"
It
didn't take me long to answer the question myself, "She fell in love with
you, Lord."
Human
wisdom is insufficient to grasp the meaning and value of this kind of life. Human
reason would probably dismiss it as a folly -- something meaningless and
worthless. It is only through the eyes of faith and love that it makes sense.
Mama's
letter arrived this morning. She asked me to pray that you might give her the
strength to carry her cross. I am edified by the deep faith and trust in you.
Papa is still recovering from his paralysis. He is now staying in the beautiful
A
Grain of Sand
As
the waves wash away
your
footprints in the sand,
so
does He wipe away
your
tears with His hand.
The
pangs of despair and sorrow
will
vanish in the morrow.
no
longer will you limp
if
you will let Him be your crutch.
Though
your days may appear
as
dark as the night,
you
have nothing to fear
for
He is your light.
For
though you may seem to be
only
a grain of sand
His
love for you will always be
more
boundless than the sea.
"I am the light of the world. Whoever follows
me will have the light of life and will never walk in darkness." (John
8:12)
This
is the passage that struck me deeply during my meditation this morning. This is
really very meaningful for me especially when I apply it to my vocation.
I
am filled with a sense of gratitude to you for having called me to follow you
as a Redemptorist. In responding to your call you have given me the light of
life and never will I walk in darkness -- never will I drift through life
aimlessley without a sense of meaning and purpose to my existence.
This
passage also reminds me of Magno and his conversion. He told me once that this
is one of the passages that had enlightened the darkness of unbelief and that
had brought him back to the faith -- and ultimately to you.
Thank
you so much, Lord. You have once again shown me how alive and effective is your
word in the transforming the hearts of people.
Lent
is just around the corner. This evening we held a paraliturgical service to
anticipate its arrival.
I'd
better start looking for possible ways of practicing penance and mortification.
This will help me focus my attention on your passion and on the passion of the
poor and oppressed who suffer with you today. This will be helpful in my
ongoing personal conversion.
Ash
Wednesday
I'm
feeling tired and hungry after a day of fasting and helping in the distribution
of ashes. I don't believe in the saying that one can't pray on an empty
stomach. On the contrary, fasting helps me focus my attention on your suffering
and that of the poor, who at this very moment go to sleep with empty stomachs.
Fasting, in my case, is an act of freedom. For the poor it is meaningless
because they are starving anyway. I hope the day will come when they can fast
not out of necessity but out of freedom.
There's
a dominant weakness which I must perpetually overcome: sensuality and
self-indulgence. I am aware that if this remains unchecked and uncontrolled
this will be the cause of future problems and contradiction in my religious
life.
At
present this is my resolution to deal with this weakness:
1. correction of attitude: instead of
"seeking what is pleasant, avoiding what is unpleasant", I will
"seek what is good and avoid what is evil."
2. not to give in to sloth
3. avoid procrastination
4. control my voracious appetite (cut
down on daily food consumption by 50%, fasting every Friday during Lent)
5. reduce cigarette consumption (no
smoking on Fridays, 1 pack per 1 week)
Meditating
alone in my room is very helpful in improving my prayer life. It's better than
meditating in the chapel with other novices. I think it is the atmosphere of
privacy and solitude that makes a difference.
I can adopt any position that I find useful and I can even talk to you in a semi-audible
tone without being mistaken for a fool. However, I should not delude myself
into thinking that growth in prayer life mainly depends on this. It should be
regarded simply as an external aid that can help dispose me to lift my heart
and mind to you and converse with you in a more conducive atmosphere.
We
spent the whole day going around the mission areas introducing to the leaders
the junior novices who will follow-up our work when we are gone.
What
I desire most when I become a Redemptorist
priest is to spend my whole religious life as a simple missioner plodding
though the remote barrios and sitios, preaching your Gospel to the most
abandoned.
However,
I must always remain detached from my personal inclination and will. My only desire
will be to follow your will as expressed through the persons and event in life
(including my superiors and community). This means accepting willingly whatever
work you want me to do within the Congregation. But I might be given other
assignments which would not appeal to
me. Thus, I must develop the spirit of obedience, the spirit of total
availability to your will and demands of the Congregation. Without this I might
easily become frustrated.
While
we were washing the dishes this evening I heard good old Brother Placid sing
"Old Man River." Then he sighed and remarked, "I'm beginning to
slow down -- getting older
everyday."
I
really admire the zeal and dedication of this old brother. In spite of his age,
he still does a lot of work and praying
in the monastery (there's no retirement in Religious life). But tonight he
showed signs of weariness -- and not only physical. He appeared to me like the
man who has reached the evening of his life, who longs to sleep in order to
greet the dawning of a new day, a new
life. Someday I will fully understand how he feels when I get to his age. But
that is still a long way off. My wish is that I will still be a Redemptorist in
the evening of my life. Please Lord.
We had
recreation by candle light because of the brown-out after supper. It turned into a drinking spree. After a few bottles of beer we began to share
with one another our "love stories." It was both hilarious and
poignant remembering moments in our past when we fell in love and lost our
innocence. Our novice-masters would really be scandalized if they knew how
their novices spent their recreation with their tongues loosened by San Miguel
beer and reminiscing those enchanting moments.
We
dropped by Cipring's little hut during our house visitation in Sabang. He has
been bedridden for 20 years yet I don't see any sign of self-pity or despair in
him. He appeared cheerful and full of humor. There is an inner peace that radiates from him. It
seems to me that he has come to accept and embrace his cross calmly and
courageously and without any complaints. What really impresses me most is his
deep faith and trust in you. He speaks of you in a very personal and intimate
terms and that gives me an impression of how deep is your relationship with
him. He says that he never feels lonely because you are always near him. He
spends most of his time in prayer and he seems to be undertaking an apostolate
of praying for others.
I was
deeply touched when, before I could assure him of my prayers, he already
promised me: "I'll pray for you and your perseverance in your
vocation."
Last
night, the tailor came and took our measurements for our religious habit. The novice-master has already given us the
beads, the wire and pliers with which to make our own 15- decade rosary. I'm
just excited. These are signs that the five of us (Tony, Salvi, Nelson, Claro
and myself) will be professed.
This
morning, as I meditated on Psalm 136, the phrase kept hammering in my heart:
"For his love endures forever." This aptly sums up all the wonderful
things you have done for mankind and particularly for me. Knowing that your
love for me endures forever gives me the confidence to face life.
Tomorrow
we leave for Antipolo for our 15-day retreat. Please grant me the grace that I
need for this retreat. May this prepare me intensely for my approaching
profession.
Thanks
a lot for the graces you poured on me during the retreat. It was an
extraordinary and overwhelming experience -- an intimate encounter with you
made possible by the movement of the Spirit and the contemplative atmosphere,
the silence and solitude on top of the hills of Antipolo. I experienced a
deep-felt awareness of your personal intimate love for me, my personal
sinfulness, your infinite mercy. I think I'm now more ready to respond to your
love and call by dedicating my entire life to you as a Redemptorist.
Yesterday,
about a hundred and fifty leaders and representative from the Lipa mission areas
came to the monastery this evening to give us a "despedida party."
They expressed their gratitude for our pastoral work among their people. Saying
goodbye to them and moving on is not that easy. But this is what our religious
life will always be -- a never-ending hello and goodbye.
We
went to
What I
find amusing is that I don't have any
money or property to leave behind. When I die what I will leave behind will be
memories and hopefully the fruit of the loving service I have offered.
Fr.
Dave commented that I'm getting more excited everyday. He's right. I'm really
filled with joy and expectation because the moment I've been waiting for is
getting closer. This morning we tried on our new Redemptorist habits. Later I
typed my formal application for admission to the Congregation.
Fr.
Hugh O'Donoghue was here today. He told us that there are five guys in the
south who are starting their CO Postulancy program this month. One of them is
Magno. Upon hearing this I was overwhelmed with joy and my eyes became misty.
I was simply moved by this good news.
Thank
you, Lord! This is what I've been praying for.
His experience is an example of your grace at work in the life of a
person. This somehow strengthens my faith in you.
Lord,
grant my friend the grace of perseverance in his vocation.
Four
more days before we say goodbye to the novitiate. But I still have to wait for
three weeks for my profession (May 29). I already had my last colloquium with
Fr. Dave this morning. I expressed my gratitude to him for all the things he
has done for me during the novitiate. He has been a deep influence in my
personal growth and development.
I
spent the afternoon meditating on your goodness to me and in expressing my
praise and thanksgiving to you.
Well,
here I am on the eve of my profession day. I spent my whole day in prayer and
reflection. I am now ready to say YES to your call. No doubts, no regrets -- I
hope. I have reached the point of no return. There is no turning back, whatever
happens. My heart is filled with peace and joy as I approach the moment that
I've longed for.
Pentecost
Sunday. This afternoon, I made my first
profession. What a perfect timing. The
Church celebrates the coming of the Holy Spirit and I make my commitment to you
as a Redemptorist. I believe that the presence of the Holy Spirit in my life
will enable me to remain faithful to the promises I have made and empower me to
fulfill my mission.
The
Lord,
thank you, for the gift of vocation. I
am aware of the duties and responsibilities that accompany this response. I am
also aware of my own weaknesses and imperfections. Nevertheless, I am confident
that you will continue to provide me with the graces that I need to live out this commitment.