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Chapter
Seven
The Diary of a Young
Priest
Here I am in Tacloban undergoing the pastoral year program. There are three newly-ordained Redemptorists doing it: Claro, Pasky and myself. Fr. Pat Reynolds is our director. We actually started the other month and I spent the first two months learning the Waray language, doing sacramental work: celebrating the Eucharist, preaching, hearing confessions, solemnizing marriages, baptizing babies, visiting the sick and conducting funerals. This is what we will mostly be doing until October when we begin our mission work.
Well,
I still have to get used to being called Father and behaving as a priest. I've
met new acquaintances. There are a
number of family friends that I regularly visit for dinner (the Marmitas and the Pedrozas).
I've met a number of attractive women but I am trying to avoid any deep
involvement -- I wouldn't want to have a crisis in vocation right at the
beginning of my ministry. I got to know a winsome young woman who regularly
reads in church. She always wears blue jeans and walks with a regal bearing.
She has deep expressive eyes and a captivating smile. Her name is G. I sometimes have a chat with her in the
sacristy after the
Today is the feast of our holy founder St. Alphonsus. Beato, our cook, prepared a banquet for the community. This evening after dinner we had the usual gaudeamus and card games. Everyone is crazy about the game of canasta.
A
typical Sunday in Tacloban. I woke up at
around
In spite of the rain I jogged for 45 minutes. As I ran , I could feel the rain in my face. I felt so alive that I wanted to run forever.
I just finished writing this poem about being a celibate -- a eunuch for the kingdom:
Eunuch's Lament
What a life ‑‑‑
waking up in the middle
of a cold, cold night
with no one beside me
except an unresponsive pillow.
What a life ‑‑‑
waking up every morning
alone in my bed
with no one to greet me
with a smile or a kiss.
I will never hear
the sigh of a woman
in the middle of the night
on my bed.
I will never hear
the cry of a child
in the middle of the night
in my room.
Is this the price
I have to pay
night after night
morning after morning
for the freedom to proclaim
the kingdom?
(these wings are too heavy
but they can make me fly,
I hope I won't fall from the sky).
I can feel what every human being needs -- the need for intimacy, for a deeper relationship with someone, the need for love and affection. Do I have to give up all of these for the sake of the kingdom? A eunuch for God's kingdom. That's what I am and will always be -- I hope. Easier said. Living out my vow of chastity and remaining faithful to it will surely be a struggle for me. I know that I am a person who is very passionate and romantic -- who can easily be attracted to someone who is kind and beautiful. Like men of my age I long to have a wife and a child. Alas, this is a desire that cannot be fulfilled if I am to be faithful to my vows. I just hope that in the process of trying to remain celibate I don't turn out to be a cranky old bachelor.
Lord, help me to become a man who is capable of loving others, especially those I personally encounter in the road of life. Let me not become a cold, lonely, unfeeling priest.
I've been meditating on Matthew's account of Jesus walking on water and Peter wanting to walk towards him. I can easily identify myself with Peter in the scene -- impetuous and above all, a "man of little faith."
At present, I find it difficult to feel the presence of God in my life and to see his hand in my life. Once again, He has become to me the "silent and absent God." My prayers are dry and sterile. I am plagued with doubts about the relevance and necessity of the ministerial priesthood. I am even finding it difficult to believe that the host and wine I am consecrating during mass are indeed turning to be the body and blood of Christ. I find it difficult to believe that my words of absolution can really effect healing and forgiveness. This is a terrible feeling. Me, a priest, having all these doubts.
I have reached the point where I have to make a leap of faith, a leap in the dark -- or to plunge into the water like Peter. I have to reach out to Christ, hoping that his outstretched arms will hold me even as I am sinking and I do not see him clearly.
This is something that I am become more aware of: that my faith and vocation can not be taken for granted anymore. God can not be taken for granted. Once again I need to go back to the basic, to what is fundamental -- to try to understand more deeply the meaning of my faith.
What I know is, that the storms in my life are opportunities for my faith to grow strong and deep.
"Courage, it is I, do not be afraid"
Early this morning I jogged from Tacloban to the other end of the long and winding San Juanico bridge and back. It took me 2 hours and 45 minutes to run the 30 km distance.
While reading Henri Nouwen the following passage made a very deep impression on me:
We can now see that celibacy has a very
important place in the world. The
celibate makes his life into a visible witness for the priority of God in our
lives ... We belong to God ... Celibates are people who, by not attaching
themselves to any particular person, remind us that the relationship with God
is the beginning, the source and the goal of all human relationships.
I fully agree with Nouwen. Celibacy is the sign that I am totally committed to God. Yet I find it hard to consider other persons as blocks or hindrances to my getting closer to God.
At
I admire G. very much. There is something extraordinary about her. It’s not just her beauty. She strikes me as someone who is deeply religious – someone whose faith is probably stronger than mine. I wish we can become close friends, but I regret there is very little time and opportunity for this. I'll have to maintain a safe distance.
There is a passage in Anthony Bloom’s book which I find very striking:
God is there at the point of greatest tension, at the breaking, at the center of the storm .... The day when God is absent, when he is silent -- that is the beginning of prayer. Not when we have a lot to say, but when we say to God "I can't live without you, why are you so cruel, so silent."
The more deeply I feel God's silence and absence, the more deeply my heart moves "Godwards." It is said that "absence makes the heart grow fonder." It is when we begin to miss someone that we realize how significant that someone is in our life.
This afternoon, Pasky and I went to Utap to celebrate the Eucharist with the people. The bamboo chapel was in the middle of the rice fields. The people were late and it was almost dark when we started. Then the rains came and the wind was blowing fiercely. Pasky desperately protected the small gas lamps from the wind with his hands. The chapel was full but only a handful received communion.
This is the kind of life I want to live – to work among the poor. I just don't want to spend most of my time in the monastery or in my room, going out only when it is time to celebrate the sacraments.
I
gave a talk on "liberation theology" to a class in University of the
Philippines-Tacloban this morning. These college students were interested about
this theology emerging from
This
is the first day of a series of recollections that I am giving to students here
at the
For the first part of the recollection, I asked the students to share their experiences of God's presence in their life. They broke into small groups and then a member of each group reported the contents of their sharing to the whole class. I was touched by the sharing of a girl who had experienced so much hardship and suffering since her childhood. She admitted that she found it hard to believe in God's goodness.
Well, how do you explain to people like her that God loves her?
I am feeling tired after conducting today's recollection. There was very poor participation in the sharing session in the morning but it improved in the afternoon. I sometimes wonder whether God and religion really mean much to these kids at all. They have so many pressing concerns and interests: studies, relationship with their parents, boyfriends and girlfriends, etc. Again the question: how real is God in their lives? That is a question that even I myself cannot easily answer. The blind leading the blind.
After trying very hard to convince the students about the reality of God's love and existence, I realized that deep within, I was the one trying to convince myself about it.
One of the exercises I introduced this morning was the prayer-writing session. This meant giving them time to pray and to put their prayer into writing and later share it with others. While waiting for the college students to finish writing their prayers in the Church, I noticed four little girls kneeling in the front pews. Then they went up to the altar and knelt in front of the cross. The faith of the little children.
The theme for today's recollection for the third year college students: “love and service.”
These are some insights that I shared after reading Matthew's account of the last judgment. When the time comes for us to give an account of ourselves before God, we will be judged by how much we have loved and served the least of our brethren. The question that we will have to answer is: did I fill the world with love? (that's a very familiar song). According to St. Teresa, in the evening of our lives we will be judged by our love. We will be condemned not only for our evil acts but also for the things we have failed to do for others -- for our lack of love, care and concern for those who are in need, for our indifference.
Love and service are at the heart of Christian life. Religion is not only about adhering to some truths about the faith. It is not only a matter of prayer and rituals. It is also about concrete expressions of love and service.
During today's recollection, I stressed to the students the need to avoid and reject the three-fold temptation: the drive for wealth, power and glory. These tend to dominate our lives and they can become the driving force of our lives. Much of what is wrong in society (suffering, injustice, oppression, violence, corruption, etc.) can be attributed to these. The businessmen, politicians and even the dictator are motivated by the drive for wealth, power and glory. I believe that all of us are subject to one or all of these three-fold temptations. It is important to find out which is the dominant temptation in our life.
Well, tomorrow is the last day of the recollection and I will be going back to Tacloban the following day. I don't know how much difference this recollection makes on the life and the faith of these students. One can't expect much from these brief encounters. I just hope that this had made the Christian faith more meaningful and relevant to them. At least for me this has been a process of evangelizing not only the students but also myself.
I
heard confession early this morning before the
Encountering sinners in the confessional always remind me of my own weakness and sinfulness. I remember the biblical text in my ordination card:
"Since he was himself tested through what he suffered, he is able to help those who are tempted. He is able to deal patiently with erring sinners for he himself is beset by weakness." (Heb 5:2)
The awareness of my own sinfulness makes me aware of God's loving mercy. It also makes me more understanding and sympathetic to the repentant sinners who come to bare the secrets of their souls and ask for God's forgiveness.
Feast
of
"Late have I loved you, O beauty ever
ancient, ever new, late have I loved
you! You were within me, but I was
outside, and it was there that I searched for you. In my unloveliness I plunged into the lovely
things which you created. You were with me, but I was with you ... You called,
you shouted, and you broke through my deafness.
You flashed, you shone, and you dispelled my blindness..."
This passage reminds me of my late friend, Magno. He was able to identify with Augustine's story. This helped him in his process of conversion. How I wish I could have a similar religious experience.
While looking for homily materials in the library I came upon this poem which I found very striking:
I was hungry, and you formed a humanitarian
club to discuss my hunger. Thank you.
I was imprisoned and you crept off quietly
to your chapel in the cellar and prayed for my release.
I was naked, and in your mind debated the
morality of my appearance.
I was sick, and you knelt and thanked God
for your health.
I was homeless, and you left me alone to
pray.
You seem so holy, so close to God.
But I am still hungry, and lonely, and cold.
So where have your prayers gone?
What does it profit a man to page through
his book of prayers, when the rest of the world is hungry and crying for help?
Responding to the basic and deepest needs of the poor and most abandoned -- this is how my life as a priest is to be spent. There will always be time for prayer -- in fact, it is an essential part of my life -- but it should not be made as an excuse for not responding to the urgent needs of the people I have been called to serve.
Tomorrow we will begin the second stage of our pastoral year program: the mission experience. This will last for six months. During the first three months we will be giving missions in the areas within the Redemptorist parish here in Tacloban. After this we will be going another three months in a remote area in the Tanauan parish. I've been looking forward to this experience. This means we will be out in the barrios – working and living among the poor. Since the beginning of our pastoral year we have spent most of our time in church work administering the sacraments. I have not found this experience too exciting. We spent most of our time in the monastery and the church and our contact with the people has been minimal. This is not the kind of ministry I want to engage in. The missions would be more interesting and exciting. For the first part of the mission experience I will be conducting a mission in a nearby barangay – Utap -- which is 15 minutes walking distance from the monastery. This means I don't have to live in the area. I will be working there during the day and come back late at night. I will have the experience of total immersion and living in the barrios in our next mission area.
Opening mass of the Utap mission. Many members of this community came to attend the Eucharist. The readings I chose and preached on were: Acts 2:42-47 (The life of the early community) and Matthew 13:1-9 (Parable of the Sower). I explained to the people the purpose of the mission which is to help build the Basic Christian Community in Utap following the model of the early Christian community in Acts. It will be a community where the members are united by the word of God, the Eucharist, and by their loving service towards one another -- a prophetic, priestly and servant community. I told them that the mission is a time for sowing and that I hope that Utap will be like the good soil in the gospel. After the mass, I had the opportunity to meet the officers of the chapel organization. I asked for their help in making a survey of the area and in scheduling the home visitation. The next ten days will be spent going around the area, getting to know the place and the people.
Mana
Dely and Mana Lucring accompanied me to the
I started the home visitation with Mana Dely today. I was able to meet the following persons: Doming and Basyon (Zone 6), the barangay captain Julian and his wife Lily, Gloria (Zone 6), Berting and Narda Martinez, and Lucring.
I
was able to get a general view of Utap.
Most of the inhabitants of Zones 4, 5, and 6 are farmers. They are usually in their farms from early
morning to late afternoon (
Early this morning, I ran the 24-km route (San Juanico and back) in two hours flat. Well, it seems that I am getting faster.
I spent the morning preparing for tomorrow's homily. Later in the afternoon I joined the music practice of the youth in Utap. They were mostly teenage girls (Eva, Ethel, Nana, Evangeline, Emy and others). Such a lively group. I taught them some of the songs we will be using during the mission. I believe that one of the most effective ways of getting the mission message across is through songs.
I
celebrated mass in Utap at
The
new persons I met this morning: Sayong Diaz, Daday, Siok, Efe, Daming, Piang,
I
did six 1-km speed interval runs this
morning. I was able to average four minutes and one second per kilometer. I’m
getting faster. The fastest I could run before was
I went around zones 3 and 4 this afternoon visiting the homes of the people. It seems that my ability to remember names is improving. Maybe it's because I'm more interested in people I meet. Calling them by their names helps deepen my relationship with these people.
I had supper with Siok, Daday and their children. We had steamed vegetable, rice, fish and tuba. They are very poor and simple people and I feel at home with them. We talked a lot about their life, experiences, worries and hopes. I will be expecting more invitation for lunch and dinner from different people in this area.
Happy birthday to me. Today I am 27 years old.
I woke up at
It
was still raining at
I decided to take a day off and spend the day in recollection. Beato, our cook, prepared a special dinner for the Redemptorist community in honor of my birthday.
Despite the heavy rain, I set out for Utap this afternoon. I met Dading, the wife of Joe. She complained about the cheap price of copra. I went to Angel and Tining's house but they were not there. I met instead Libby, Tinoy, Frank and Anastacio. I proceeded to Zone 4 and met Mano Faustino and his wife Alipia. Faustino told me that very few are now planting rice in Utap due to the expensive rate of hiring a carabao and the ineffective irrigation system. I was planning to go farther across the rice paddies but Faustino advised me not to because of the rain and the mud. As it was getting dark, I proceeded to the house of Elding and Sayong. I met them and their children (Eric, Elvin, Nenet, Ethel, Nene, Claro and Ruel). I had supper with them. On my way back to the monastery, I dropped by Lucring's hut and met her husband, Mando. It was already 10 in the evening when I got back to the monastery.
It has been over two months since I made an entry on this journal. I've been very busy in my mission work. The month of October was spent mostly in integration and social investigation. This period was spent getting to know the people and the place. This meant visiting their homes, talking with them, eating and drinking with them, celebrating with them the Eucharist every Sunday in their chapel. For many of these people this was the first time that they have been visited by a priest. This was the first time that they have eaten and drank with a priest. They made me feel welcome despite their poverty.
I
spend the first half of November giving mission seminars in the area. During the first week, I gave the seminar to
the urbanized section of Utap. The seminar for the rural section was given
during the second week. Each mission
seminar lasted for five nights. The
people gathered in the chapel from
The second half of November was spent in leadership training sessions. A leadership seminar was conducted on the last week of November. Last week I brought the leaders to the beach for a day of recollection. At present 10 good leaders (seven men and three women) have emerged. The mission in Utap will end by Christmas time. I realized that three months is not really enough to help build a strong and viable Basic Christian Community. I only hope that the leaders left behind will continue the task of building the community and the parish will follow up what has been started. As for me, the mission has been an experience of grace. I have become very close to these people. I know them by name. I have become a member of every family. It will be very difficult and painful to leave them. The most significant grace that I have received during this mission is the strengthening of my faith. I came to evangelize and missionize the people. But it was their deep and simple faith that has strengthened my wavering faith.
I
arrived here in
Mama wrote me recently that she is worried about Myrna who has joined the Reformed Baptist Church. Of course, I share her concern but I am not that alarmed. She has freely made her decision and she is convinced that this is the best way for her to live as a Christian. I don't think there is anything I can do now to change her mind. My feelings for her have not changed. She is still my sister and I continue to be fond of her. I only hope that the religious difference won't keep us from loving each other. Now I'll have to promote ecumenism within the family.
Here
I am back in
I'm glad that we are finally reflecting about faith and ideology. This is a very sensitive and relevant topic. We live in a period when ideologies are influencing the way we live our faith and religious commitment. There are ideological groups and movements struggling to transform society. We often encounter them in the course of our work and perhaps some of our confreres have contacts with them. The question that confronts us is how do we deal with these ideologies and movements? It is extremely important to openly and honestly discuss this question. I have heard stories about other religious communities that have been divided over the ideological question. There are also communities, congregations and Church institutions that are being influenced or dominated by ideological groups. I hope this won't happen to us.
Second day of the Faith and Ideology Seminar. Mr. Alejandro Lichauco gave a presentation of his analysis of the contemporary situation. He painted a bleak picture of Philippine society. I think he is right. We live in a time of political and economic crisis. More and more people are suffering from poverty, injustice and oppression. The economic policies of the Marcos dictatorial regime – which were prescribed by the International Monetary Fund -- have failed to improve the lives of the people. A revolutionary upheaval is inevitable. The resistance to the dictatorial regime is growing.
I believe we have to critically reflect on the ideological alternatives that compete for the people's support and allegiance. It is not enough that we support any movement that is fighting the present regime. We have to ask whether the alternative future they are proposing can lead to real freedom, liberation and development. We have to question whether the means that are being used to transform society are really appropriate and effective.
Today two priests from two major ideological movements presented their respective programs. Fr. Ed dela Torre, SVD spoke about National Democracy (Natdem) and Fr. Alex Benedicto, SJ spoke about Social Democracy (Socdem).
Fr. Ed dela Torre founded the Christians for National Liberation in 1971. He went underground when martial law was declared and helped organize the National Democratic Front. He was arrested in 1976 and was recently released.
Alex Benedicto is a Jesuit who is identified with the Democratic Socialist Party of the Phililippines.
Personally,
I don't like the ideological rivalry and sectarianism. It can be very divisive. Yet we have to accept the reality that there
is a pluralism of ideological options.
I only hope that these different groups can come together and unite in
bringing down the dictatorship and in building a more democratic, just and free
society. Of course, I still prefer a
more human and democratic form of socialism which is the ultimate goal of
social democracy. Unfortunately it does
not have many adherents and mass base at present. The National Democratic program is very
attractive and it has a lot of similarities with the social democratic
program. The NDF is the largest and most
organized movement today. My only
reservation is that National Democracy is only a transition stage. What comes after it? Perhaps only the Communist Party of the
Fourth Day of the Faith and Ideology Seminar. Fr. Brendan Lovett presented his theological reflection on this topic. What follows is my own response and reflection to what he presented.
There are some who say that faith should never have anything to do with ideology. Others say that faith without ideology is dead. I don't agree with both statements. I think we have to recognize the distinction between faith and ideology. Faith is not ideology and ideology should not be equated with faith. Faith is our response to God's self-revelation. It is a religious conviction, an act of trust, and a commitment. Faith is both personal and communitarian. It is celebrated, confessed and expressed concretely in deeds of love and service. Faith must therefore lead to praxis. It has to be verified, to be made true in one's daily life and struggles. Faith is the fruit of personal conversion. It can also lead one to participate in social transformation. While faith must be concretely expressed in liberating praxis, it does not provide a method for social analysis or a concrete program of transforming society. Neither does it provide a concrete model for an alternative future. This is what an ideology can provide. Thus, we may adopt an ideology to concretely live out our faith. In doing so we must maintain a critical outlook towards an ideology. While it is provisional in character it tends to make absolutist claims. Thus, we should never allow an ideology to become a dogma or an object of faith. It is an imperfect tool. It should be revised or discarded if in practice it proves to be inadequate in explaining reality, or if it turns out to be inhuman and oppressive instead of liberating. The greatest danger that should be avoided is allowing an ideology to take over the way we articulate our faith. Ideology should not become an idol, neither should faith be ideologized. Whoever said that "faith without ideology is dead" is probably someone who would like to ideologize faith. An ideological option is optional and one should not be pressured to adopt one.
Last day of the Faith and Ideology Seminar. Day of reflection/sharing.
We were encouraged to share our experiences and reflections regarding the topic. There was an atmosphere of trust and acceptance. I shared my experiences about grappling with my faith and religious vocation vis-a-vis the democratic socialist ideology and movement. Afterwards, I received a lot of affirmation and congratulations from my confreres. God, how fortunate I am to be a Redemptorist. I don't have to fear that we might be divided by ideological struggle or rivalry within the vice-Province.
Well, the seminar's over and tomorrow I go back to Tacloban.
Early
this morning I went on a 40 km time-trial run.
I went beyond San Juanico bridge to Sta. Rita,
For the last four days I have been giving recollection to four different sections of the high school graduating class here at the St. Peter's College, Ormoc. The theme of the recollection: "Growing Up Towards Human and Christian Maturity." The response of the young students has been very good. I gave them time to share their reflections on their experiences of growing up. I emphasized to them the aspect of growing in freedom and responsibility and in the capacity for loving and serving others.
Working with young people is not that easy. One needs to understand what they are going through and to be patient with them.
I was able to meet four prospective vocation boys (Raffy, Rod, Timmy and Gerry). I hope some of them will enter our seminary.
As I got back to Tacloban this evening, I saw a poor couple and their children sleeping in front of the monastery door. They looked so helpless and miserable. I felt so sad and guilty as I went up to my comfortable room. What could I do for them? I am powerless to alleviate their poverty. I don't think taking care of the victims of this unjust society is enough. Society has to be changed so there will be no more people who will be poor and hungry and homeless. And yet the victims also need immediate help.
Community
recollection at
This
afternoon I boarded MV Marilyn which will take me to
Yesterday, I had lunch at Ann Segura’s place. Cynthia was also there. She introduced me to her husband, Tony, and her son A.G. I was so happy to see her. It has been a long time since we last saw each other. We had our conversation in the kitchen while I was cooking spaghetti. After lunch, Cynthia left with Tony and A.G. while I stayed on for a while and talked with Ann.
Early
this morning, I participated in the Manila International Marathon. The starting
gun was fired by General Fidel Ramos. We
ran along the
So in the evening I went to the presidential palace with the other top runners and we had dinner with President Marcos. I just felt weird. So this was where my running has brought me -- a dinner with the dictator at Malacañang. After hearing his after dinner speech about the sports program of the New Society, we received our medals.
Finally I have met the dictator himself -- the man who is responsible for the perpetuation of poverty, oppression and injustice in this country. Obviously he didn't know that I was one of his former political prisoners.
I
got back here in Tacloban the other day.
My vacation is over and tomorrow I begin my mission work in a remote
barrio of
I went to the mission area for the first time, accompanied by Alex, a lay volunteer worker. We crossed the river via the hanging bridge and waded through the muddy rice field. We were welcomed at the house of Mano Kardo and Mana Paeng. Their son, Kardo, is the husband of Stella, our parish secretary in Tacloban. They told me that we were welcome to stay with them for the duration of the mission. They had already reserved a room for us. So Alex and I decided that we can use their house as our mission base. We can keep our things here, we will normally sleep here at night, but we can have our meals with other families in different homes.
We immediately got to work by asking the couple some information about the barrio, making a list of the names of the residents in the area and making a spot map. Late in the afternoon, I went around the neighborhood to meet the people.