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Chapter Eleven
DARK NIGHT
Mama
died this afternoon. A bullet pierced her head and brain. According to
eyewitnesses, three armed men accosted her while she was on her way to the rice
mill. She had just came from the bank. They grabbed her bag, pushed her down the canal and shot her. The killers fled on board a car.
She
was still alive when I arrived in the emergency room. Blood was oozing from her
head. She was gasping as I helplessly
watched her die. All I could do was to anoint her and entrust her to God's
loving care. She died at exactly
I
went out of the hospital without feeling anything -- no anger, no sadness, no
sorrow. I could not cry. My main worry was how to break the news to
Papa. I immediately went home and told him what happened. He started crying,
calling out Mama’s name. I put my arms
around his shoulder. Dr. Yañez and Aunt Sally arrived and took his blood
pressure. It was 200/100. They were worried that he might have a stroke. They
gave him some medication and stayed behind to console him.
Late
in the afternoon, I went to the funeral parlor. Mama's body was laid on the
table in the morgue. The embalmer told me that
they had to wait for a few hours before embalming the body and place it
on the coffin. So I was left all alone for half an hour gazing at Mama's body.
Her face looked serene in spite of the bullet hole on her head. I came closer
and kissed her forehead.
When
I went back to the monastery, a charismatic expressed her condolence and told
me: "It's God's will. You'll have to accept the will of God."
I
answered her, “No, I don’t think it is God’s will.” I was simply revolted by
the idea that Mama's death was God's will. I just could not accept this kind of
theology.
I
don't believe in a God who wills the brutal death of a helpless mother, a God
who is the source of grief and suffering. No, this cannot be God's will. This
is the will of evil people. It would be blasphemous to blame God for all the
evil and suffering in the world.
Mama
is a victim of this sinful and violent situation, she is a victim of the
selfishness and greed of others. Thousands of people suffer and die in this
country because of people whose obsession is to accumulate wealth and power and
who don't have respect for human life.
Oh
God, where is your justice?
An Elegy for my Mother
My heart turned to stone
as
I watched you gasped
for the last time,
your eyes blank
and blood oozed from a hole in your head
made pointblank.
My
eyes couldn't even
shed a single tear.
Numb, numb, numb.
This is the only way
I
could survive this madness.
What
used to be mere news reports and
statistics
have finally hit home.
"This is God's will."
Some pious people consoled me.
Praise the Lord!
But I do not believe in a God
who can mastermind the murder
of
a helpless mother.
What a blasphemy‑‑
to
make God the prime suspect
for the crime committed
by
men who were supposed to maintain
peace and order.
This is the will of a rapacious regime
that has spawned an army
of
thieves and murderers.
Mother,
I just cannot imagine you
as
a mere pile of dust and bones
in
a dark and lonely tomb.
Mother, I can never believe
that a bullet can annihilate
everything that you have been
and will always be.
I
just can't believe Mama is dead. It's difficult to imagine her dead. She was so full of life. She was only
59. I
always imagined her growing old and reaching 80 like Lola Frangka.
I thought that she would still be
around when I celebrate the silver jubilee of my profession and ordination.
She
lived her life to the full. She was an amazing woman, mother, wife, teacher and
Christian. Although she was busy as a teacher, she was able to fulfill her
responsibility as a wife and a mother. Before leaving for school, she would
give me a warm bath when I was a baby. She massaged me whenever I was sick. She
did not want me to become a Mama’s boy, so she encouraged me to accompany Papa
to his projects, to church, to the tennis club, to the movies and restaurants (she also did this to my
brothers). She bought a piano and sent
us to a piano school. She encouraged me to develop my artistic talent by buying
art material and asking me to draw and paint visual aids for her class. When I
had a difficulty in math, she gave me a tutorial. She taught us the value
of work – by giving us cleaning and
cooking assignments. Even if I hated it, she insisted that I scrub the floor, arrange the furniture and
wash dishes. She would send me to the market to buy rice, meat and vegetables.
She taught me how to cook pinakbet, spaghetti,
kare-kare, lengua estofada, etc. When
she saw I was playing priest in our childhood games, she encouraged me to
become an altar boy and then enter the seminary. When I was arrested, tortured and imprisoned she was very supportive instead of becoming angry
with me. When I was already a priest, she did not treat me as her little boy.
She treated me as an adult son and as a friend. Even if I sometimes doubted
whether she loved me, I believe and I now know that she always loved me and cared
for me. This is a gift that I will always cherish.
When
my father had a stroke and could not work anymore, it was my mother who
supported the whole family. It was she who made sure that all of her eight
children would finish college – even if it meant working overtime, borrowing
money from her family corporation and pressuring my siblings who have finished
their studies to support the education of the younger ones. My mother patiently
took care of my father who was not able to fully recover from his paralysis. She had to put with his temper and self-pity.
In
spite of her responsibilities as a wife,
mother and teacher, she was able to find time to involve herself in various
Church groups and activities. During the early years of martial law, she was a
member of the Justice and Peace committee in Iligan. She was the president of
the Legion of Mary. She conducted the regular pre-baptism seminars in St.
Michael’s parish every Saturday evening. She helped organize the Redemptorist
Associates to raise money for the support of the seminarians. She was a woman
of great faith and charity, of love,
compassion and service. She managed to integrate the basic dimensions of
Christian life -- prayer, witnessing to the Gospel, service.
She
was a great woman. I can truly say: I am what I am because of her.
Thank
you, Mama.
The
funeral mass was celebrated at the
After
the burial, we had a banquet in our house.
It was, indeed, a feast. It was like a despedida party -- a good‑bye party for Mama. This is what I
like about our tradition -- our wakes and funerals are like a fiesta, a feast
celebrated by the family, relatives and friends. The
It
will be Christmas three days from now. This will be the saddest Christmas our
family will celebrate. How can we celebrate the joy of Christmas when we are
still experiencing shock and grief? Will it be possible to even celebrate
Christmas in the future without being reminded of this tragedy?
Busay,
Here
I am once again on this mountain overlooking the city of
The
shock is wearing off. I'm beginning to feel the pain of loss and separation. I
am able to cry. It's so quiet around here. I am all alone. How I wish there is
someone who can comfort me. It is difficult
to grieve alone.
Even
prayer does not come that easy. I doubt if there's Someone out there who can
hear my lamentation. God seems so hidden and distant.
Where
are you, Lord? Are you really there? Or are you the product of our imagination?
If you are real, why did you allow my mother to die?
Here
I am in
I
understand what Pasky is going through. I, too, have been going through the
same process of questioning how I can best serve the poor and the oppressed.
The option to join the armed struggle is a constant temptation for me. However, I still believe
that we priests and religious have an
important role in the struggle for liberation without taking up arms. We can
still effectively exercise our prophetic task of denouncing this sinful and
oppressive situation, making the poor and the oppressed aware of their
situation, and announcing the kingdom values of justice, peace and total
liberation.
While
respecting those who have made an option for armed struggle, I still prefer to
carry out the prophetic task through non-violence. I think there is a general
tendency to romanticize and glorify armed struggle. But I doubt if this
strategy can effectively bring about freedom and liberation in our country. The
strength of the present regime is its brute military force and the
The
young Redemptorists continued the meeting today. We discussed the following
questions:
1. How
do we see the Philippine situation today and in the near future?
2.
What is our mission and response as Young Filipino Redemptorists vis-a-vis the
Philippine situation?
We
shared with one another our perception of the
present situation, the possible "scenarios" in the near
future, and our individual stand. This is a summary of the main ideas that
emerged in the course of the sharing:
We live in a revolutionary situation -- a
crisis situation. We believe that this political and economic crisis will
worsen as the US-backed Marcos regime tries to consolidate itself through this
farcical election. More and more people will be radicalized and the movement
for liberation will continue to grow and expand. The strategic stalemate phase
of the struggle could be reached within a couple of years, and perhaps even the
strategic offensive stage will soon follow. A new regime could come to power.
It will either be a coalition government or communist-dominated one. However,
if the
We
see our role as being present with the poor and oppressed in the midst of their
struggle for liberation. For some, this could mean supporting the revolutionary
movement in so far as it is truly liberating. Our primary commitment is to the
poor and the oppressed, and not just to any party, movement or ideology. In so
far as these political parties and groups truly struggle for the liberation of
the people, then we will enter into dialogue with them and even work with them.
Yet at the same time we will maintain our independence from them.
Our
primary task is to help the people understand the relation between faith and
struggle, to highlight the faith-dimension of their struggle for liberation.
Our primary role is the prophetic role. This involves denouncing and opposing
all forms of oppression and injustice; making the people aware of their dignity
and basic human rights; proclaiming the Gospel values of love, service,
compassion, justice, peace and freedom. This prophetic role will continue in
the future, even with the coming of a new social order. If ever new forms of
oppression, tyranny and injustice will arise, we will not cease to denounce and
oppose such sinful situation.
We
respect the option for armed struggle that some have made yet we favor the
option for active non-violence.
I
am here in Lipa – the novitiate house. These past few days, I have been plagued
by doubts about my faith. I have been questioning the reality of God's existence.
Is God really real? Is he really the God who liberates the poor and oppressed?
Can he really do something about our present situation? How is he present in
the suffering of our people and what is he doing about it?
I
have often felt God's absence rather than his presence in my life. Last night, as I tried to pray in the dark
chapel, I expressed all these doubts and questions. Finally I cried out: "Oh God, I'm not sure
if I am talking to you or I am speaking to the wind. If you really exist, please
give me a sign."
Before
I went to bed past
When
Ninoy died, I was shock like so many millions of Filipinos. He came home to the
DEATH
ON THE TARMAC
(For Ninoy)
You sprawled on the
tarmac
like a dove in
flight
that has been
nailed to the ground.
They finally stopped
you.
Or so they thought.
The bullet that
pierced your skull
pierced our frigid hearts.
The shot that
echoed throughout the archipelago
continues to reververate
in our wounded hearts.
No bullet can ever
kill a dream.
from which the fragrance is released.
It will only crack the dam
from which the rising waters
will break through.
Ninoy,
your death has freed us from our fears
and sparked a fire in our hearts
that will continue to rage through the night
until the dawning of the new day.
You died
that we may rise.
Iligan.
I
just got back from
We celebrated today the 40th day after Mama's death. Many came to pray and celebrate with us. It was our final good‑bye.
Papa
told me that the men who killed mother had recently been identified and all of
them were killed by the police during a shoot‑out. They were all part of
a gang composed of military men who were engaged in armed robbery. The police
had received a call that there were armed men inside the house of the Delestes.
The police encircled the house. They killed the three men and when they checked their identification they
turned out to be military men. It was later confirmed in the ballistic tests
that the .45 caliber pistol found in one of corpses was the gun used to kill
Mama. My cousin Nica said that these were the same men who were hanging around
the store a few days before mother was killed.
How
swift is God's justice after all! I have been asking for a sign of his presence
in the world. This must be God's answer to my prayer. God does not sleep. Neither is he absent.
Evil will not reign forever.
Today
is election day -- the presidential election. I believe this is a very crucial
moment in the history of our country.
In
this corner, we have a powerful dictator who has ruled the country for almost
20 years. Marcos has caused so much suffering to our people. He is the
personification of evil in our society whose reign is characterized by greed,
oppression, exploitation, lies and deceit, and violation of human rights. He is
so sure of himself. He thinks he will never be defeated. He has all the
"guns, the goons and the gold."
The
person running against him is an unlikely candidate -- Cory Aquino. She is the
widow of Ninoy Aquino. Marcos calls
her weak and inexperienced housewife. Yet she inspires
hope to millions of people. It seems
that Cory has a broad popular support but Marcos has the political machinery
capable of manipulating the election results.
If
Cory wins, this will be the beginning of a new era of freedom, justice,
reconciliation and national reconstruction. If Marcos prevails, this will mean
the worsening of political and economic crisis, more repression, more injustice
and more violation of human rights. Consequently, it could lead to the
heightening of the revolutionary situation and the rapid expansion of the
revolutionary forces. The protracted armed struggle and civil war could
escalate.
The
election results will determine the future of this country and even my own
future. I will be faced with the question of holding on to my preferential
option for active non-violence or finally opting for armed struggle. I hope Cory wins this election so that there
can be a peaceful change and restructuring of our society. If Marcos wins, many
people including myself will be forced to consider the more radical
revolutionary option.
We
are now putting our hope on this widow
who is regarded as “humble and meek” to be the rallying point in our
struggle against this ruthless and powerful dictator.
I am hoping for a divine intervention. This is the ultimate sign I am praying for. My hope is that God will now manifest His saving power during this crucial moment of our history.
God, if you truly exist, if you are truly the God of the poor and the oppressed, the God who liberates, then listen to our cry!
It
has been three days since the presidential elections and up to now we don't
know who is really winning. There are so many conflicting results. The election
has been characterized as dirty and fraudulent. Marcos has been trying to
manipulate the counting even if Cory is leading in the NAMFREL count. The whole
country is tense at present. There could
be massive protests and civil disobedience in the coming weeks.
It
appears that the evil dictator is going to be triumphant. But I think it will
be a pyrrhic victory. Marcos may win this election through fraud but he has
totally lost his credibility among the people and among other nations. It will
be a matter of time before his regime collapses. My question still remains:
Where is the hand of God in all of this?
This
evening I had my last series of examination for the brown belt in Karate. The
test began the other day. Every session started with sitting Zen meditation.
The instructors then tested my skills in basic forms (blocking, striking,
punching, kicking), throwing (judo and aikido techniques), falling and diving,
basic self-defense (against opponents armed with knives, guns, bats, etc.) Kata forms, Kumite (sparring). The last part
of the test was fighting against multiple attacks (four opponents). I was able to pass the examination and was awarded
the brown belt. My whole body is still aching.
For
the last two years I have been training regularly in the Okinawan style of
Karate - Shorin Ryu. The mission in St.
Michael's Parish in Iligan made it possible for me to train regularly (three
times a week).
What
I like about the Shorin Ryu style is the holistic approach. Karate is not only
a physical discipline, it also has a spiritual/contemplative dimension. It is
not just a matter of learning the fighting skills ‑- it is above all
internalizing the principles of ZEN. Thus, the regular sitting meditation
(zazen) that we do before each training exercise and the moving Zen meditation
(kata) are the means to develop this contemplative spirit. The attitudes emphasized are: self-emptying,
attention to the present moment, humility, defense of the weak and the
oppressed, and doing justice.
As
I hone my martial art skills, the more I
become aware of my capacity for violence. I know how to defend myself. I know
that I can easily kill another person quickly with my bare hands or feet. That
is why I am very careful not to misuse what I have learned. It would be
dangerous if I explode in anger. It already happened recently during a sparring
match when I lost control and injured my partner. I know I can easily become
brutal and ruthless. That is why I am afraid of my own anger.
I think I
am physically ready to join the armed struggle should I decide to adopt this
option. I've recently met Ike and Jogan
-- the NDF and NPA leaders in the area). Should the situation worsen I can
easily contact them. But I have to wait
for the outcome of this election. This has to be the last resort.
It's
almost
There
are tears in my eyes. My heart is
welling with joy. And I can feel very strongly your presence LORD. I believe, forgive me for my unbelief!
You are indeed the subversive God, the God of the poor and the oppressed. I can
no longer doubt your love, I can no longer doubt your presence and existence.
This is our EXODUS. This is too overwhelming. You have turned my sorrow
into joy!
Who
would have thought that things could turn out this way? Who could have expected
that a dictatorship can easily collapse without any bloodshed. No
"scenario" ever predicted this. This is completely unexpected. It is
miraculous! Once again, God has manifested himself through his liberating deeds in history.
A Psalm
of EDSA
Ring the bells,
strum the guitars,
blow the horns,
light the fireworks,
let the dance begin
in
the barricades, streets,
camps and homes!
Proclaim to the entire nation,
and
to the entire world the good news:
the dictator has finally fled to
This is the moment we have longed for,
the moment of our deliverance!
They who put their trust in their armies
have been put to shame
by
millions of men, women and children
emboldened by the power of the cross
led by the
widow of the man
who gave his life on the tarmac.
The instruments of terror
have unwittingly been converted
into forces for freedom,
embraced and protected by the people.
The
armalites, tanks and helicopters
were powerless against the risen masses
ready to offer their body and blood
without taking life,
armed with their prayers, tears,
rosary beads, carved images of the mother
and the child, crosses,
flowers and food for the bewildered troops.
Let us praise and thank the Lord,
the God who was never blind, deaf or
powerless,
the subversive God
who has been with us in our struggle
throughout this archipelago,
who is present at EDSA,
and who will accompany us on our journey
to
the land of promise ‑‑ a land flowing
with peace, justice and prosperity.
Let this moment be etched in our hearts
for we have shown to the world the saving
power of God.